Alternative ideas: Pros & Cons

Well I’ve just shut down that alternative blog I created, flippin hek, it was so alternative I didn’t know what to write about. So stick to what you know eh????? Even if it’s not a lot.

While we’re on the subject of alternatives, I’ve just ordered one of Mike the Meerkat’s blank toilet paper artwork masterpieces. I’ve requested a blank caricature of Robin Evans’ face covered in blank canal graffiti that’s being promoted by CART. We haven’t done any bargaining over the price yet. So seeing as I’ve only just put my order in, we’ll get round to funding later.

Some alternative ideas are quite successful such as:

• Alternative diets – stuff a marrow in your lunchbox & hope for the best.
• Alternative medicine – a whisky a day keeps arthritis at bay.
• Alternative news – puts an interesting slant on things.
• Alternative energy – well some bright spark made it work.
• Alternative thinking – read this page. 

However in some cases the original idea never worked either. BW was reinvented because it didn’t work, the alternative was supposed to be a CART. But the wheels don’t turn, & it’s got a trap door for the same BW executives to crawl through.

Dear Mr Evan’s, don’t forget we pay your wages so you can (continue) to live an executive lifestyle at our expense, long after you were supposed to be off the scene.

So, seeing as planting trees in a canal boat & “canal art” is worth around £50,000 of boater’s licence fees. Why weren’t we asked about whether we thought this was a good idea? In the grand scheme of things we all deserve a vote on such important matters don’t we?

After all It would be nice for us boaters to be able to decide which kind of foliage goes in a canal boat, I myself would’ve preferred to see more colour. We could even have voted on a name such as “Over the rainbow funded by a pot of gold.”

So in my alternative wisdom I’ve come up with a couple of helpful suggestions that might help CART’s “ultimate” mission. To remove all canal boats from the canal system completely, whilst leaving but a handful of nutters free to roam in other types of craft designed for still waters.

1) The floating steerable spa chair. This clever invention was designed to allow a person to glide gracefully along (still waters) such as the canal system. Whilst at the same time avoiding detritus, & crumbling locks. (Pick up thy chair & walk). There’s even a built in recliner for passing under swing bridges. Several models are now available including a bio friendly version with paddles. The paddles also come in handy when being attacked by geese.

Please Note: “Friends of the floating spa chair”  is an alternative charity set up by an original charity. They supply a huge range of optional extras for spa chair users out on the canals.

Such items include the likes of a sign written tow bar for garden rakes, specially designed for those who don’t mind doing a bit of dredging while on the move.

A detachable / permanent shelf for hi tech equipment.

And (for canal use only) there’s a mandatory shield to fit on the front for elf & safety of body parts. Don’t pay up for that, & there’s no insurance pay out for loss of limbs.

2) Skis to walk on water. This is an alternative to going to the gym, it has no friends.

3) The dolphin fin swimming accessory. Besides being used to frighten any remaining canal boaters off the system, it doubles up as a floating lifebelt. But we’re not supposed to know that.

Any floating individual left using the canal system will observe many alternative signs along the way, the likes of:

• BAZ WOZ ERE    
• CART transfers peeling off to reveal “British Waterways” underneath.
• “Toll booths are now in place, because there is no need for a recreational craft licence anymore. Fees incurred to use the canal are now calculated at £1 per square foot of navigation. We can afford CCTV now so going sideways is not an option.”
• “Any attempt to avoid said toll booths will result in your pleasure craft being confiscated.”
• “PLEASE BECOME A FRIEND OF CART & receive a pack of bumph that costs the same for us to produce as it does for you to donate.”

And last but not least:

Thank you for allowing us to spread graffiti everywhere, yours sincerely BAZ. Have a nice day & pleeeze donate to the cost of my aerosol cans.